Inside this file is possibility. Inside, so far, is emptiness.
The file was bought in January, when the desire to create was high but the opportunity to write was low. Daisies, pansies, chrysanthemums decorate the black enamel of its surface. Inside I imagine leaves of my printed poetry, blossoming.
I bought the file because it reminds me of my intention to collect my poetry together this year, to produce a small collection. It reminds me that a goal without a plan is just a dream.
Red inked pages fill
Desk, shelves, couch, with teaching notes.
On this shelf, poems wait.
The first two weeks of 2016 have been tough. I’ve been searching for inner calm amongst the anxious thoughts ~ but calm isn’t amongst them, it lives underneath. The anxiety must be sifted through, rejected.
There were commitments made last year which no longer fit me, that need to play out to their end now. There are new habits to be made. The old habits? They know they’re dying. I like to think that nothing about me just lies down to die. Not even these bad habits. Respect.
Old habits don’t die
without putting up a fight ~
watch them burn and fade.
I’ve been overthinking again. Every simple action a catalyst for a cascade of ideas, images, memories. Before today my deep heart, a pink lotus rose, has been unfolding. Now it is a rock in my chest, frozen.
I close my eyes in meditation. The radio is quiet. The snakes are not writhing around the courtyard. But there’s not just an absence of noise: I feel nothing ~ no roar, no whisper. My heart is separate. Purity, innocence, wisdom have all been choked by my analysis.
Time to stop thinking
Thoughts are too small to hold God
His voice is a feeling.
My lower back has seized up after two nights on an unfamiliar mattress. I am forced to stay in place on my sofa and this gives me the space I need to journal about where I am now.
There is a clear vision about my patterns of work, how I prioritise favours for friends and family or organising my family’s home life, how I prioritise this over my creative life. Up until now this has suited me: short tasks with clear endings and immediate feedback. But something is changing.
Now the familiar
threatens a cracking surface:
time to go deeper.