I think I’m going to have to calm the heck down. I am becoming too highly regimented, which is missing the point of the freedom I am seeking for myself. Being busy and feeling busy is a good way of never mindfully engaging with my creativity. What I need is to breathe, to think about what I’m doing and why, without a senseless powering through my day. I need to pay more attention to how I’m living.
When I write I don’t want to just type out the stuff in order to make it all go away, although sometimes that helps. I am looking for calm and a contemplative rhythm. At the moment I am very close to living how I want to, but I don’t have the ‘how I want to feel’ going on. I mostly feel uptight and worried about time running away with me. To feel squeezed is death to my muse. Every time I set myself a strict schedule I end up with severe writer’s block. Don’t keep doing it to yourself, Claire!
But, yesterday? Oh I really tired myself yesterday thinking constantly about the future. I didn’t tether my feet to the spot and my mind went floating off, a bunch of balloons fragmenting into their single components, each single balloon now travelling hundreds of miles in different directions. It was like I had decided I wanted everything in the moment and I wasn’t prepared to wait, but all I actually ended up with was an anxious, robotic response to my do-list and a sense of dissatisfaction. I can sleep when I’m over tired but I can’t sleep when I’ve had a day like that. And when I’ve had a night of sleeplessness, for at least the next two days, nothing is right. I have to avoid that wildfire of worry and dissatisfaction in my brain like crazy. Because it is crazy. Name it for what it is.
Sometimes I think I’d like to be a simple person who gets up at 7.30, works 9-5 and doesn’t have any ambition beyond who they are now and what they are doing now. Do these people even exist?
But I do have an ambition in life, and it is more than just writing. For the past twenty years I have been trying to create a life which supports writing. I yearn for the pottering, languorous life, to creating a sense of spaciousness with which to work in. And I know that when I feel the least pressure, when I feel the most relaxed, I create my best work.
It is not nothing to create this type of life. It feels like an art in itself.