Nobody said change was easy. That’s why so many people settle for things the way that they are ~ because the small miseries of the things they’d like to change are more easily tolerated than the pain that can come with change.
So how are my changes towards harmony going?
Well, I can tell you if you want to know, but you might just wish you hadn’t asked. I’m just finishing my third week of being ill with alternating aches, sore throat and chesty cough. I’ve had my first teaching observation at my new placement, along with another assignment deadline looming and a frantic catching up with my teaching evidence folder for a meeting with my tutor, working every weekend so far this month to keep on top of it all. And, of course, alongside this the everyday life of going to work and teaching placement, planning lessons and marking, keeping family life running smoothly, an equally ill husband and trying to eke out a minimal social life.
So really, we have the makings of a January that really should feel like struggle. But, instead I’m trying to see this all as the test that I really need. If I can maintain a sense of inner calm when I am surrounded by potentially stressful situations then this will set me up with a foundation of harmony for the rest of the year.
And neither do I think it is a coincidence that this workload descends just as I am on my journey to seek harmony. You see, I knew it was coming. I knew that I’d just been ticking along at the end of last year, while the workload was slowly accumulating. I knew that I couldn’t approach this work while a sense of panic, and a fear of being judged, was growing inside me. I knew that I needed a change of mindset to tackle this work with a sense of my own capability, worthiness and sanity.
The tasks I need to complete sometimes seem endless. I’m trying to make this into a game. How can I tackle this lesson plan in the way that I would find most interesting? Which articles can I adapt for my class which will be really interesting for us all to debate? And, okay, there is no way I can make completing this spreadsheet or putting this laundry away interesting, so which tunes shall I blast out while I do it? (Thanks Spotify, for the sheer mind blowing variety!)
So in January, harmony has meant finding the motivation for the difficult that makes me feel good about myself. I am reminding myself that I am doing these tasks to build myself up and share myself in different ways with the world. It has meant staying in charge of my mind, instead of letting its neuroses and anxieties being in charge of me.
Harmony, you’re not a sing along nursery tune and I’m still learning your tune ~with gratitude for all your complexity. I’m done with the small miseries.