From the Diary #18 ~ My Imperfections

altonselfie

 

  1. Sometimes I can’t see myself. I see myself as I feel, not as I am. I see myself in the material of what I’m reflected in ~ not in the spirit and flesh that I am.
  2. I wake up early but I find it hard to get out of bed.
  3. I take on the responsibilities of the world and I don’t let others grow. I baby them. I take responsibility for their actions and their feelings.
  4. Too often I would rather bitch about somebody than sort out my differences with them. I’d rather sit on my high horse than kneel down in compassion. Or I mask my feelings rather than offend somebody ~ even when they might benefit from being offended. Either way, I avoid really being with people if it feels uncomfortable.
  5. I would always rather read a book or watch Pretty Little Liars* than move forward in my writing or my teaching life. I love to hide. And I’d rather eat chocolate than feel a feeling, especially when I judge it’s an inconvenient time to be in touch with my emotions. (*insert programme du jour)

I see me. I see my imperfections. I see they are born out of a deep need to feel safe and to keep those around me safe too. Can you be wild and safe? I think you can, so long as by safe you mean protected from ultimate harm. I see the Holy Spirit in the wild geese, honking loudly, hissing for protection, taking flight in awe inspiring formation.

But more and more I need to remember that safe doesn’t mean I’ll never have to feel the uncomfortable feelings ~ or that I can protect those I love from them feeling them too.

No wonder I love to pour my life into poetry. It’s the space in my life that feels safe in the way it holds and contains ~ and when I’m there I allow myself to feel all the feelings…

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “From the Diary #18 ~ My Imperfections

  1. To be wild a safe. Letting go and knowing that you still have the control of your choices to respond but not of the outcome or the people on the journey with you. And I get the invisible you. I’ve written many a post on that one. But it’s getting clearer. And I’m glad we see eachother.
    Love,
    Shalagh

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  2. This is perfectly expressed, I hide too. I understand, and encourage you to come out and be who you are. I like who you are, I’m sure others will too, love Mosk

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Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back...

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